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Gay Answers to Passover

JaysonLittman180x200As Passover approaches, I receive many emails from gay Hebrews around the world wanting to know answers about this very holiday that brings many Jews together to celebrate “that other holiday besides the High Holidays.” Therefore I’ve compiled the most common questions and answered them for you below:

“So what is Passover again?”

In ancient Egypt the Hebrews were slaves (we don’t know why), and then a group of them teamed up and went to Moses, who was spared slavery because his mommy hid him, and said, “We don’t want to do physical labor anymore! We want to be free!”

Moses went to the pharaoh and said, “Hey, let my Hebrews go!” The pharaoh was so sassy and said, “Whatever, Moses.”

Moses quickly gathered the Jews and said, “Put something pretty on your door, like lamb’s blood or whatever you can find around, so our Jewish God knows to ‘pass over’ your house when he goes all Nene on the Egyptians.”

Moses then went all butch on the pharaoh and delivered those nasty plagues (darkness was my favorite; so not into blood or boils), and the Jews were freed. Yay!

The Jews then had nowhere to go, so they wandered the desert for 40 years (hellooo, major cardio!). Then the free Hebrews said to Moses, “We need more Jewish holidays!” So Moses declared Passover to be celebrated every year.

To reenact Jews wandering the desert for hundreds of miles, He’bro is proud to take part in AIDS Walk NYC — and that’s only 5 kilometers in Central Park, New York’s very own desert! — on Sunday, May 19. You can register to join Team He’bro here.

“So the Jews were in bondage? Heh, heh.”

Yeah, we’ve heard this before. Har, har. We were in bondage, not into bondage. It’s different! Look it up.

“Why can’t we eat bread on Passover?”

Well, gays can never eat bread, so that’s a bad question. (And by the way, silly gays, whole-wheat bread is still bread.) But to answer it, when the Hebrews escaped Egypt, they were super-hungry. They started cooking something really good, and Moses yelled, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” So they quickly took the unfinished food they were cooking out of their desert ovens, and it was flat, tasted like cardboard and had little taste. Therefore it was declared that we had to remember that tasteless food forever and be gluten-free for a full week. If you want to have similar-tasting food that is more widely used in the gay community, feel free to replace your matzo with Muscle Milk.

Read the full post on The Huffington Post

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