Being Asexual is Not a Phase

The asexual community is currently at least 2 percent of the world population; They are here to fight off all the treatments offered to them ( “one pill and you’ll get an erection”) and mainly to talk about what’s it like to be asexual in a world that delivers sex like free newspapers ( “If it is possible to have sex without being in love, you can be in love without having sex”). The Asexual community, nice to meet you.

For Ben Einstein (40) asexual and a community activist, sex is a nuisance, even something that makes him somewhat uncomfortable and pictures of naked girls are being overlooked by him as if they were reports of ups and downs on the stock exchange. “If you ask me what is sex to me,” says Ben, “I’ll tell you it’s like seeing you typing on your laptop the words I’m telling you now.” He discovered his asexuality in retrospect, after divorcing his first wife Following repeated complaints from her on his lack of sexual function. Surprisingly, even the most expensive treatments didn’t help him. Only after their divorce, several years later, everything clicked for Ben. “I think the vast majority of us discovers it in retrospect. When I was in a relationship with my first wife, after a short time we were together, I discovered that she was crying our close friends, she linked our lack of sex with the thought that I was probably cheating on her with other women. I didn’t know to call it by name, asexuality wasn’t common at that time 20 years ago. only after we divorced I could understand that sex is something that feels forced to me, that I have no interest in, that I don’t like sex and not attracted to have it.”

The asexual community, once considered a kind of transient phenomenon in which society used to treat as “till the wedding it will pass,” is absolutely not a momentary phenomenon. Many studies show that among the world’s adult population, about 2 percent at least say that they are asexual, that is devoided of sexual attraction or a desire to experience sex with a partner, as most of them have never experience sexual desire. Don’t mistake these people with those who cut off sex following a crisis or aging, these are people with normal sexual orientation like any other person. However, science does not yet have a clear answer as to the cause of asexually. In other words, it is likely that this is not a choice, though it has not yet found the gene indicating that a-sexuality is innate.

So Ben’s orgasm, he says, mainly expressed in sleeping together and cuddle, with or without clothes, and his one night stand culture is a little different, because it is not based on sex, but on romance. Love for one night.

“I’m attracted to good people, to what they convey, to their smile, the attraction is not based on sex. That’s it,” he says. “People are not able to get it, but if you think about it for a minute – sexuality is one aspect of an individual falling in love or be attractive and I guess sex is not the only thing that people have to offer, so I’m looking at other things. I have friends who are not asexual, and most of them, for example, get involved with a woman after they were turned on. After a month or two they decide to break up. Why? because the sex is not great anymore. They choose to reject people only based on this one aspect in their set of variables. If men reject women based on sexual attraction, for asexuals it obviously works differently, there’re different standards. ”

What are the reactions you get?

“People say to me: ‘No chance, it’s all in your mind, it doesn’t make sense, for you are a man,’ because the assumption is that a man is a hunter for sex, he needs to consume sex. It is as if this is the role of men in society. I don’t relate to this role. There were also women I went out with and really insisted on me going to therapy. Women have told me – go to therapy for me. ”

And did you?

“I went to several therapists, none have succeeded. Sending asexual to sex therapy is just like sending a gay man to conversion therapy just because they are attracted to men. The result is known in advance: a failure. It doesn’t work with drugs, it doesn’t work with attempts to solve past traumas. This is who I am, this is what I feel, and today the medical summarizes it this way: an asexual person whose orientation doesn’t make him suffer, does not need treatment.”

Dr. Ronit Aloni, an expert in sexual treatment and rehabilitation of for individuals and couples agrees. “We are in the midst of a very significant and substantial process. In the past, people had only one way in which they can live their lives and as time passes, freedom of choice is getting richer and we are exposed to a wide range of options; More genres, more styles and combinations of how people choose to live their lives. We understand that it can’t be that there is only one option of how to live our lives. Theres no abnormal – Anyone can live his life in accordance with how they choose to, as long as they don’t harm the other,” declares Dr. Aloni, “there are therapists who see asexuality as a problem and reject it, I’m not with them. Those who are at peace with that – these are their lives and does not need therapy.”

Ben Einstein concludes that the assumption that you can’t live without sex is wrong – for him it is, and that’s the news that the asexual community come to break to us. “A lot of people say sex is an integral part of love, but I don’t buy it,” Ben says. “Even if I was not asexual, I would not have believed it. People after the age of 50 – and I’m pretty optimistic, their engine runs out, and yet they continue to live together, because the basis of their love and their relationship is much more than sex. people don’t have to have sex to fulfill their love, at least that’s the way it is with me. they used to call having sex ‘making love.’ I don’t think this is love that you make when you have sex. If it is possible to have sex without loving someone, than you can love someone without having sex. “